I don't know really, how many people read my blog, how many people are on my Facebook or surrogate support boards, so if you've seen all this already, I'm sorry. I have to copy and paste because somehow that doesn't hurt quite as bad.
Written on Wednesday:
"I don't understand what happened...Saturday I woke up feeling off, and called in to work. I stayed home to rest. I stood for a little while to make cake balls and took them to Life Group (bible study) and rested the rest of the evening. Sunday I woke up feeling fine and went to church and took my boys to lunch. As soon as I got home I started cramping. I laid down on our couch from 12-6. At about 4:30 I went to the bathroom and had brown spotting. I called my IM and she approved me going to the ER to get checked out. As soon as I got to the hospital I had red blood come out, and a clot. I had them check the clot to make sure it wasn't tissue, it was just blood. They did an ultrasound. We saw a baby measuring 7 weeks exactly, good bloodflow, and a strong heartbeat of 161. My cervix was closed up tight and beta was 23,002. No explanation for the bleeding or the cramping.
As soon as I got home I took a little tylenol and went to bed. I had no more cramping at all. I bled a little over night, but by morning it was only when I went to the bathroom. I stayed in bed from Sunday night until this morning (Wednesday). Tuesday the bleeding slowed to only showing up as I wiped and in the middle of the night, turned brown. I was excited thinking that was the end of it and we were okay.
Today I went to my follow up ultrasound at my monitoring clinic. They couldn't find any evidence of anything we saw on Sunday at all. They sent me to a radiology lab who were very cold with us. The tech didn't say a word the entire time and kept a poker face. The radiologist didn't even speak to me. They called the monitoring clinic and then I had to call THEM for results. They didn't find anything at all, or at least wouldn't tell us what they did find.
Tomorrow I go to an OB for a follow up u/s and a beta to see if it's going down. Obviously, my IM is devastated. I did everything right, I did everything I could, yet I feel like a failure 
I hope with all my heart she wants to try again but I know she doesn't want to go through this again.
How does this happen? How is there a 7wk old 1/2 cm baby in there with a healthy heartbeat one day, and then suddenly nothing at all? Why wouldn't I have had more cramping, more bleeding AFTER the ultrasound (the majority was before)?"
And then my update from today (Thursday):
"The dr appointment today went as expected, except that I burst into tears from the minute she walked in. We saw a tiny little sac where the baby was and saw my lining which was no longer very thick. It was comforting to be able to see it on the screen after not being allowed to look at the radiologist's yesterday, so I'm thankful she went through every thing with me. I got a beta done and they said it should be going down by heaps at the moment and next week I'll shed everything. I cried it out early this morning and finally fell asleep around 5am and woke back up at 7 with cramping and bleeding, and have been since then. As awful as this sounds, I'm ready to get the next week over with, because I know that every time I bleed I am going to think about it."
I went to bed last night torn between wanting to grieve and wanting to hope for a miracle. I didn't sleep much, and finally gave in to the tears for a long while. I'm so devastated for I & J. I know how badly they want this, and I want so badly to fix this for them, though I know that right now the best thing I can do is rest up and heal, and when they want to try again, be there for them. If you're reading this now, please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you constantly and wish this were so much different than it is.
I'll end tonight with a short prayer, because I know I'm going to end up in tears again.... but if you are a follower of the blog, please, please pray with me for I & J and their family. We don't know why God does what He does, but we do know that there are children waiting in Heaven for I & J and their family to meet some day and they will be perfect and have big wide open arms to hold them in.
Father, you know the pain and suffering your children have endured even to get to this point. I hate that they have to endure it yet again and wish I could make it so they didn't have to at all. I know you do too, but I know your ways are higher than our ways and I'm choosing to trust in those ways because you are our protector and see everything we can't see. Trusting in you is all I can do at this point, the only way to look right now is up. Father I'm choosing to praise you in this storm even though it's hard. Strengthen me because my arms and heart may be too weak to lift, and I need you. Please lift up I & J as well, give them strength and peace, and most of all hope. Show me the way to help them through it and be in my words and my thoughts and prayers toward them. Holy Spirit, intercede for them and wrap your arms of love around them. It's in Jesus name I pray... Amen.
