Written on Wednesday:
"The dr appointment today went as expected, except that I burst into tears from the minute she walked in. We saw a tiny little sac where the baby was and saw my lining which was no longer very thick. It was comforting to be able to see it on the screen after not being allowed to look at the radiologist's yesterday, so I'm thankful she went through every thing with me. I got a beta done and they said it should be going down by heaps at the moment and next week I'll shed everything. I cried it out early this morning and finally fell asleep around 5am and woke back up at 7 with cramping and bleeding, and have been since then. As awful as this sounds, I'm ready to get the next week over with, because I know that every time I bleed I am going to think about it."
I went to bed last night torn between wanting to grieve and wanting to hope for a miracle. I didn't sleep much, and finally gave in to the tears for a long while. I'm so devastated for I & J. I know how badly they want this, and I want so badly to fix this for them, though I know that right now the best thing I can do is rest up and heal, and when they want to try again, be there for them. If you're reading this now, please know that I'm thinking of you and praying for you constantly and wish this were so much different than it is.
I'll end tonight with a short prayer, because I know I'm going to end up in tears again.... but if you are a follower of the blog, please, please pray with me for I & J and their family. We don't know why God does what He does, but we do know that there are children waiting in Heaven for I & J and their family to meet some day and they will be perfect and have big wide open arms to hold them in.
Father, you know the pain and suffering your children have endured even to get to this point. I hate that they have to endure it yet again and wish I could make it so they didn't have to at all. I know you do too, but I know your ways are higher than our ways and I'm choosing to trust in those ways because you are our protector and see everything we can't see. Trusting in you is all I can do at this point, the only way to look right now is up. Father I'm choosing to praise you in this storm even though it's hard. Strengthen me because my arms and heart may be too weak to lift, and I need you. Please lift up I & J as well, give them strength and peace, and most of all hope. Show me the way to help them through it and be in my words and my thoughts and prayers toward them. Holy Spirit, intercede for them and wrap your arms of love around them. It's in Jesus name I pray... Amen.