Saturday, January 21, 2012

Happy Fall, Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year...

So yeah, it's been a while, and the blog has been moved to a temporary address for now. I am taking steps to create a more permanent address but for now you can find me here.

For the purposes of updating the blog, here are the last 7 months in a nutshell.

July 3rd I started to miscarry. Following the miscarriage, my IM was not to be found. The last time I spoke with her was on the 6th of July after an ultrasound to verify I had lost the baby. I tried to give them time to grieve and gave them a little space. On July 12th I texted to tell my IF happy birthday and got no response. I figured they were just grieving and continued to give them space, but tried to keep in touch at least once a week. So, faithfully, each week I sent an email or text to let them know I was thinking of them and to call me when they were ready to talk.

On Monday July 18th, I decided that my boys and I needed some ocean air, to get away from the heat of Texas, and because I needed time for my heart to heal. I still hadn't heard from my IPs, but I texted them before we left town saying that we were thinking of going through El Paso on our way to California and that if she called me we would head out on I10 and stop and see them. I really just needed to hug her and make sure she was alright. I never heard from them. We ended up going on I40 instead, and got to my home town in California late on the 21st. We stayed almost a week and then headed home. Again, I texted my IM to see if we could stop by on our way home. Still no response, so we went back the same way again, hitting up the Grand Canyon on our way. It was a beautiful trip, and we spent a lot of time seaside and with friends and family I hadn't seen in a few years. It was very helpful for my body and heart's healing.

I continued to try and keep in touch with my IPs, even asked our counselor if she could get in touch with them. Neither of us could.

In October, I got an email from my last IPs asking if I was available then to try again. I was still believing in my heart that I & J just needed some healing time and told J & J that I was not released from my current contract yet and quickly got in touch with the counselor who let I & J know that I was waiting to hear from them about moving forward. They finally called and we talked. They made a lot of promises that day, but then I didn't hear from them again. In November, after finding out there was a bill still unpaid, I did everything I could to close up loose ends, and I terminated our contract.

It was like miscarrying all over again. I thought I would be able to go right back and start looking for new IPs to try again, but every time I thought about it I would be overcome with grief and fear. So I decided to wait until after the holidays to pursue anything. Taking the time for the holidays to not think about it really was a breath of fresh air, and was exactly what I needed to go back into it with a clean heart and without harboring bitterness or resentment about what had happened. I really feel like the grief of everything just hit them really hard and they couldn't get past it. "I"s grandfather had passed away while we were matching and I think maybe losing the baby was too much for her to handle on top of that. I've prayed a lot that I would be able to forgive them and move on and feel like God gave me a little bit of understanding in order to forgive them. I hope the best for them in the future with all my heart.

I started searching again about 10 days ago and am feeling blessed, and hopeful that not all IMs would do things the way "I" did. I've talked to some very wonderful IMs and am considering a couple of them seriously. I don't know what's in store but I'm praying heavily about it, weighing important issues, and discussing every step with my DH.

So if you are reading this now, please pray with me for wisdom, for discernment, and for patience and peace. I know that if I seek first His kingdom all those things are mine, and strive to remember that daily.

I hope you had a blessed 2011 and that 2012 is starting off even better. Much love and hugs from me.


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